Gifts

A few things I got for Christmas that I'm excited about.

Black Macbook

Ok, so I already have the white Macbook and should be happy with that, but come on, how sexy is this laptop?

Clocky

You've probably heard of this, as it's gotten a lot of press this year, but for those of you who don't know what it is, Clocky is an alarm clock that will let you hit snooze once when it goes off, and then roll off your nightstand and hide from you until you get up to turn it off. Very cute.

iPod Touch

Ever since I saw the commercial with the Cansei De Ser Sexy song, 'Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex," I've wanted one of these. As you can see, I had an Apple Christmas.


Anyway, Happy Holidays/something less PC that you'd prefer I'd say.

Dear Fat Man In Red,

Here is what I would like for the holiday season.

1. Barbour "Bedale" Coat
This jacket kind of goes with the whole northeast preppy thing that I've been afflicted with. It looks super ugly in the picture, but it's cute in an I'm-going-skeet-shooting-with-the-equestrian-team way. A cute peacoat would be the choice to go with for anything that isn't jeans, cords, or sweatpants, obvs. But this coat is good for the rest of the time.

It's so hard for me to find a non-peacoat winter coat that isn't one of those ugly super puffy ones with the fur hood or a north face.


Things like this just make me wish I lived in Guam. The Barbour jacket is cute and sporty, but not in a pseudo-ski-resort-chic way (wow I'm using a lot of hyphens in this post..) Check one out in store (although this is kind of hard to do as the only places that sell them that I can think of are like, giant sporting goods stores, and even then only a few carry Barbour...so never mind.) Check out their website for more examples of how this coat is actually cute. Oh also, it's like $350 if that helps you get my point that it's not just some weird lumberjack coat across.


2. Pretty Rings
I'm not much for jewelry. I will wear, on occasion, pearl earrings, but that's about it. I don't know why, really. I always feel really ungainly and awkward in delicate jewelry, and I don't like big jewelry (generally), so you know, I usually just focus on my outfit. But I've developed an unhealthy obsession with rings lately, and here are my favorites.

Yarborough Leather Button Ring

Love the leather weaving.


Yarborough Leather Button Ring (again)

Seriously Yarborough, why is your stuff so fucking adorable?

J.Crew Pave Cabochon Cocktail Ring


J.Crew and I are best friends. It's amazing, they almost never go wrong. Well, except for this:

The hell? This is just strange.

MAC Brushes, A Jewish Rapper, and Naima

Ok so before we get to my current musical obsessions, let's take a look at what crap I am currently smearing on my face.

1. MAC 266 Small Angled Brush & Matte Eyshadow in Espresso
Some things are just meant to go together. Without eachother, they're kind of out of place and not half as awesome. I mean take for example:

Harry and Ron


Ben and Jerry


and Jay-Z and Beyonce


Those pairings are perfect, they're timeless, and they can never go wrong. And just like Jay and B, the team of MAC 266 Angled Brush with MAC matte eyeshadow in Espresso is so fly it hurts.






With the brush, I draw the eyeshadow along my top and bottom lashes, and seriously, it's so much better than pencil, liquid, or gel. It's soft, and you avoid that super-lined raccoon look. It looks a lot more natural, but not in that "I'm a cosmetic prude and I hate wearing makeup" way. You look a lot better, it's just not as obvious that you're wearing makeup. Also, the brush and the eyeshadow last forever. I got mine as a gift like 2 years ago and they're still as good as new. And believe me, I've used the shit out of them. Oh, and I realize the shade in the picture is like, purple. Somehow I couldn't find an espresso picture, but believe me, it's the best brown ever.

2. Next, I'd like to talk about the song that I play when I'm getting ready, the wonderful "Jane Fonda" by Mickey Avalon. I seriously love this guy. You've probably already heard of him, because I kind of jumped on the bandwagon late. I assumed he was kind of like Lupe Fiasco or some shit like that, and I steered clear. But he's so not. He's this little Jewish guy who looks like a glam rocker and talks like a girly little folk singer.
But he has an acid tongue on stage. Jane Fonda is the kind of rap (or is it hip hop? I have no idea) I like: playful, dirty, and with a catchy chorus. It also mentions John Coltrane. I constantly find myself bobbing my head to the beat, which is really not conducive to good makeup application, but whatever. Mickey is worth me looking like a crackwhore. My favorite line is "I had a princess, queen of incest/She was inbred but Jean had big breasts/And big eyes and a big ass to match/Jean wasn't fat, she was easy to catch." Classic.

3. On the complete opposite end of the musical spectrum, we have my other favorite song right now: "Naima" by John Coltrane. I have to admit, I'm not the biggest fan of jazz. Oh sure, I'll say I love Miles Davis and Jelly Roll Morton and the rest when I'm in some kind of classy situation where I want to sound like a sophisticated person who doesn't enjoy artists like the above one, but I honestly don't listen to it that much, except when I'm doing work or sleeping. I like it as background music, but I can't just sit down and enjoy it. But Naima is actually good. Apparently Naima from America's Next Top Model was named after the song, which is pretty cool, so points to her parents. The song is so relaxing and it's so smooth. Plus you get music-snob street cred for liking this song, just because it's John Coltrane, and he was one badass mofo.

See?

When Hoodies Are Not Enough

As those who live in the Midwest know, we have very unpredictable weather, particularly in the fall. Sometimes it's like indian summer, and sometime it's fucking freezing. It can be really gorgeous some days, but such a day always comes with the fear it will be the last. Even for those who live other places, you know that around late-October or November, things start getting cold. The problem is, it's not cold enough for a puffy winter jacket (or in my case, my trusty peacoat, which I love). Hoodies used to be my standby, but I realized that a) I wanted something a little more polished, and b) hoodies (or at least the semi-cute ones) aren't actually that insulating. I briefly tried to incorporate my Spring favorite, the cardigan, into my late Fall wardrobe, but you don't feel that warm in a cardigan either. In the past I've trudged through these months either feeling cold or looking like a slob. But no more, I've found the perfect solution to my problem. J.Crew's Wool Bella jacket.

Totally cute, right? It's got the crispness of a blazer without the whole powersuit look that can sometimes accompany an ill-executed blazer. I love the color, too. It's called "light heather nut", which is sort of unimaginative, but whatever. How great would this look with dark pants or jeans, flats, and a blousy white top? Pretty fucking adorable. And if it gets even chillier, a sweater could easily be layered underneath, and the texture would go really nicely with the wool herringbone. God I love J.Crew so much. They've augmented their usual hardcore preppy styles with some nice pieces like this that are more girlish sophista-prep. Go check out their site for some more seriously fabulous items, and their always luxurious color selection.

Harry Potter For the Lazy & Illiterate

Alright, so Harry Potter isn't exactly glamorous or stylish, but who doesn't love him? After reading the 7th book (which, if you haven't read it already, you should) I cried. Not so much because I was upset about the events of the book, but because I was sad that I would no longer enjoy the adventures of Ron, Hermione, and Harry. God I sound like such a fantasy-fiction dork. Don't worry, I don't like Lord of the Rings, and I've never seen Star Wars. But I've found a new way to enjoy J.K Rowling's work. Audiobooks! The books are read by this one british guy, Jim Dale. He's got a really soothing voice. I mainly listen to the audiobooks when I'm trying to fall asleep, and it works like a charm. You know how you would always fall asleep when your teacher would read to you in class? Well this is like that, but better, because I bet your teacher wasn't as badass as Jim Dale.
Each audiobook is around $40, which is a little expensive, but it's totally worth it. Also, when you inevitably fall asleep to Jim's dulcet tones, you can wake up in the middle of the night and hear that familiar accent talking about polyjuice potion.



How could you say no to that?

Things I Can't Wait to Use and Then Forget About

If buying were a drug, I would be in rehab. Or dead from an overdose. Or Courtney Love. My point is, I have a problem. Recently I completely went crazy and bought a ton of makeup. See, I'm very impulsive. Instead of saying to myself "Ok, I'm about to spend a shitload of money, why not spend it on one really expensive great item?" I buy a bunch of MAC makeup and then realize I could've spent it on a nice Burberry trench and some Christian Louboutins. But no, I spent it on cosmetics and perfume. Now I'm not going to tell you every single thing I bought, because the number exceeds 100, but here are some of my favorites.

1. Innoxa Blue Eyedrops
A friend had these and I ended up using them all the time until the bottle was basically mine. They're pretty good. They're supposed to make your eyes sparkling and your corneas a dazzling white. They don't do that, but they seem to have a nice effect on my eyes. Especially when it's like 7 a.m and I have class and I've been up since 6 a.m the previous day. That sucks, but at least I don't look like a crazed homeless person. Because apparently that is the only difference between myself and the guy who sits in the subway tunnel singing "Joy to the World".


2. Roger & Gallet Soaps
I'll admit, I'm more of a body wash girl. Bar soap is just too annoying, and is vastly inferior to shower-favorite, the loofah. I'll always prefer my soap in liquid form, but Roger & Gallet has made me realize that using soap can make for a pleasant shower experience.

Their soaps are very nice and lather-y, and they smell nice. But the best part is the packaging, it's so cute. The larger travel soaps come with their own matching case, and the guest soaps (which I fully plan on stocking in my extra bathroom when I own a villa in the south of France) come in cute little boxes. They're not bad price-wise either. Abour $7 for the larger soaps and $.99-$1.50 for the guest soaps. If you don't like bar soap, I'd still recommend buying a few of these to put around your sink.


3. Creed Spring Flower Perfume
Speaking of things that smell nice...The same friend whom I borrowed the eyedrops from generously shared a bottle of this perfume with me. To be honest, at first glance I thought it was kind of cheap-looking. She then told me it was about $150 for 2.5 oz. and I shut up. All this happened without me actually smelling the perfume. And to my surprise, I found that it smells really nice. Pretty and fresh. Spring Flower seems to be an appropriate name. Also, I've heard Audrey Hepburn wore this, and she seemed like a pretty classy lady.

4. Mary Green "7 Ways to Say I Love You" Boyshorts
Yes, I know that thongs are the undergarment of choice for most sylish ladies, and I do own a few that I like. But honestly, I prefer boyshorts. They're comfy and not as unflattering as your basic bikini cut. These come in pretty colors, and say "I Love You" in a bunch of different languages. Aww. How could you wear an uncomfortable thong when you have cute non-thongs like this? I recently saw thong panty liners at Walgreens. What the fuck? Who would torture themselves like that? Unless you were like, a stripper, and absolutely had to wear one, I don't see how any woman could subject herself to that. Thank you Mary Green, for making transatlantic flights, movies, and other potentially uncomfortable sitting situations comfortable once more.

5. The Masala Bhangra Workout- Volume 1
I never, ever, work out. I've tried the elliptical, the stairmaster, cardio salsa, pilates, yoga, but my inherent laziness always trumps any good feelings I get from a good calorie-burning session. I'm hoping this DVD won't end up like the rest, because it seems pretty cool. According to the website, at least.



"The first Indian-dance-inspired fitness video, the MASALA BHANGRA WORKOUT™ VOLUME I, is a 36-minute high-energy workout utilizing moves from traditional Indian folk dances. The video seeks to invigorate both men and women with ethnic dance steps and music that have already gained popularity in "Basement Bhangra" dance clubs around the world. All the moves are named and easy to follow."

Alright, so the picture is kind of cheesy, and the outfit is a little too bollywood, but I'll forgive it because I love Bhangra and any Bhangra remix of a popular song. And if this matters at all, I have eaten enough chicken tikka masala and naan to be counted as a full-fledged Punjabi. Unless of course we're taking into account the fact that chicken tikka masala is not, in fact, authentic Indian food, but merely a westernized take on its traditions. But let's not.

6. J.Crew Matchstick Cord
Because I went to highschool in the northeast, I will always have a soft spot for preppy styles. Now, these pants aren't preppy, per se, but the fact that J.Crew makes them renders them slightly WASP-y. I wish I didn't like skinny pants so much, because I'd probably look better in bootcut, along with most other women who aren't, like, Gemma Ward. But I can't resist these. Come on, how fucking awesome are these, and with those flats? Probably the cutest thing I've seen in a while. What can I say, J.Crew, you've got me eating out of the palm of your well-manicured hand.

7. Mountain Hardwear "Monkey Man" Jacket
Ok so this is probably the most un-glamorous thing ever, but it's so comfortable I can't pretend not to love it. As you can see, it's furry, and while this may seem like it would make for a sweaty, bulky, uncomfortable experience, it actually makes this jacket so wonderful that I want to wear it in 90-degree heat. I have never worn several woodland animals as a garment, but I imagine this is what it would feel like. It's so luxuriously soft. And it's surprisingly lightweight, and around the arms it has non-fluffy material so you don't feel like an uncoordinated ape when using your hands. Plus, I love the blue color, it's so rich. The jacket is actually made for men, which doesn't help the whole outdoorsy female lumberjack thing, but no one needs to know that, and the women's version doesn't come in this color. You will look cute in this, I promise. And, as an added bonus, people will constantly be wanting to pet you. Which could get annoying, but that's not really the jacket's fault.

The Sine Qua Non of My Life

There are a few things that I own that are worth their weight in gold. These are things I can't live without, and I own multiples of each in case (god forbid) I run out or lose one. Michael Kors perfume is one of them. You have got to at least give this a try, it is seriously amazing.

Ok, so.

1. Michael by Michael Kors Perfume-$65 for 1.7 oz
This is by far the best-smelling perfume I have ever...smelt?It's not citrusy or "fresh" or sweet or mossy or whatever. It's just... lush. The art-deco bottle is cute too, but I recommend getting either the 1.7 or the 1 oz versions, because the 3.4 is gigantic and unweildy and it feels like a weapon.
And although this officially shouldn't affect your perfume-buying decisions but it totally does anyway, boys love this stuff. A friend who was wearing this once hugged her sister's boyfriend while wearing this, and he leaned in and told her she smelled amazing. He even asked to smell her hair. Her sister was pissed off, but if it can do that to a taken man, think of what it could do to an available one. Bow Chicka Bow Bow. That's right, PORN MUSIC.

What I Am Currently Lusting After

Every so often, I will come across an item that I not only want, but I have to have. I become obsessed with said items and give them their own special bookmark and look at them every day, longing for the day when they will be mine. Usually, these things aren't even that ridiculously priced, but for some reason or another I can't bring myself to buy them. Perhaps one day I will, but for now writing about them will have to do.




1. Clu Short-Sleeve Bubble Dress-$195
How cute is this? For serious, it's the cutest bubble dress ever. I like the navy, but it comes in this fabulous color too

I want both of these, as well as the cream version. Ah I effing love this dress. It looks seriously comfortable and bubble hem always looks cute. I have to make this dress mine.

2. Tiffany "Return to Tiffany" Heart Tag Pendant-$400
Yes I know, it's a little princessy and the jewelry equivalent of one of those Dooney & Bourke bags that every single girl in America owns a knockoff of. I wish I didn't like this, but I do. And in person, it's really delicate looking, not all "LOOK AT THIS GIANT ASS HEART NECKLACE I GOT FROM TIFFANY". I also like the 18-inch chain because I think short necklaces are just plain ugly. Even if you were like the Queen of England you'd look like a cheap hooker in a choker. And you'd resemble a pitbull because chokers make your neck look really short. But this necklace is adorable, and I think it would go great with my favorite color, navy. And coincidentally, the Clu bubble dress. Oh yeah.

3. J.Crew Postcard Print Cardigan-$100
For some reason or another, I love cardigans. They have that casual but classy look to them, and I like them better than sweatshirts as a cover up. This one, although it would have to be executed with careful consideration, is really pretty and I love the colors. It reminds me of Cape Cod and summer vacations. Very cute.

Ronco Knife Sets: The Cosmetic Equivalent

I am quite the impulse buyer, and while this occassionally can be rewarding when I get that weird shopping adrenaline rush or when I realize that I actually will wear that crazy trapeze dress, the heinous pieces far outweigh the cute. Usually I end up going "What the fuck Emily? Why did you think you needed a black leather jumper?" I mean really, a jumper. Anyway, I have decided to come clean about some of my past infractions, and I hope this will help you along the road to recovery if you too are plagued by this sickness.

1. Smith's Rosebud Salve
I know, I know, people claim this is a miracle product. They say it's amazing. But honestly, I think everybody just wants to like Smith's because of the effing cute old-timey tin and the classy Audrey-Hepburnish appeal. Smith's Rosebud Salve is seriously vaseline.

2. Maybelline Great Lash

Another one of those products that just doesn't live up to the hype. I think it's the packaging again. It's cute and kind of 1950's, and the pink and green has that whole Lilly Pulitzer thing going on. When you actually put the mascara on, it's like "What? I thought I was going to be turned into, like, a hot June Cleaver. I look like SUSAN LUCCI." It's just not a fun experience.

3. BADgal Blue
So when visiting a friend in New York, we went to Saks. That day was a massacre impulse-wise. I think that at some point I bought a headscarf, but I can't be sure. I try to purge this dark moment from my mind. Anyway, one of the more gimmicky things I bought was BADgal Blue. I don't know why, I didn't particularly like the original BADgal mascara. But BADgal original looks like the holy grail next to its forehead-slappingly terrible blue counterpart. I still get mad at myself for buying this. In my defense, while it was an idiotic purchase, I was rattled after being accosted by this saleswoman with spider lashes who thrusted the brush in front of my face as if it were a machete. In my fragile emotional state, I couldn't refuse. The mascara still sucked. Yes, it did make my eyes more noticeable, but that's because my friends were like "Why the fuck do you have blue lashes? You look like you're in a John Waters movie" and it freaked them out a little. If I strive for one thing in my life, it is for my makeup to never warrant comparisons to Divine, so BADgal went in the trash.

La Piana Vita-The Flat Life

Basically, I like to buy things. Especially girly things. I also consider myself to be a non-moron, and thus the slightly-pretentious sounding title of 'Scholarly Lipstick' has become slightly less annoying. Ok, moving on. Much like one of those bearded wearing-a-stained-wifebeater types you see on 'To Catch a Predator', I have been coveting certain deliciously impractical items for quite some time now, and I hope that one day I can lure them into my clutches. Ok that was perhaps a bit too black comedyish for a blog about frivolity. So to put it simply, I want some stuff that's a little out of my price-range (which mind you, is severely limited not so much because of a lack of funds, but for lack of willingness-to-splurge-on-a-single-pair-of-shoes.)(even though I don't think it's ridiculous to do so, I just have this uncharacteristically frugal side.)(this is becoming a parenthetical trap.) Ok, here we go.


Ever since flats became cute and girly and slightly-impish last summer, I have been involved in a torrid love-affair with this deceptively uncomfortable shoe. True, some flats truly are comfy and practical, but more often than not I find myself with chafed heels and throbbing arches. I don't know how arches can throb, but such is the mysterious nature of the uncomfortable flat. Whatever, I never loved them for their insoles. Anyway, a couple pairs of particularly cute flats have caught my eye recently.


1. Repetto "Flora"-$115
These are ridiculously girly, and so cute. They're that great capped-toe style, and the color and texture are so delicious I almost want to lick them. Wait, no, I did not just say I wanted to lick a shoe. Ignore that. Just buy these, they're fabulous and I love them.

2. French Sole "Passport"-$225
Ok, I know, a little too much with the cap-toe thing but come ON. These are so fucking cute I can't even believe it. They're so polished and elegant, and the colors are so rich. I would throw on a trench and some dark skinny jeans and these fabulous flats and that's all I'd need to look hot.
Yes indeed, I want these. A lot. It's too bad French Sole isn't considered a pricey name brand you can feel kind of rich and fancy buying. It's not like getting Tory Burch flats, or Kate Spade flats, even though they cost about the same. Whatever though, I love these.

3. Sigerson Morrison "6108"-$255 (down from $400. hell yeah.)
Sometimes I like my flats with a side of whimsy, and that part of me finds these flats to be particularly alluring. I love the stones, and how they're kind of randomly-shaped. I love how it still looks elegant. But most of all, I love the colors. I firmly believe that color is truly what sets designers apart from retail. Designers have a better eye for great colors, and that's what makes them more desirable. Mmmhmm I want these shoes. oh and PS, I thought for the longest time that Sigerson Morrison was one person, not two, and that he was an old italian man...k, that's enough about that.

You can (and should) get the shoes at footnotes online, saks, and zappos, respectively.