Ronco Knife Sets: The Cosmetic Equivalent

I am quite the impulse buyer, and while this occassionally can be rewarding when I get that weird shopping adrenaline rush or when I realize that I actually will wear that crazy trapeze dress, the heinous pieces far outweigh the cute. Usually I end up going "What the fuck Emily? Why did you think you needed a black leather jumper?" I mean really, a jumper. Anyway, I have decided to come clean about some of my past infractions, and I hope this will help you along the road to recovery if you too are plagued by this sickness.

1. Smith's Rosebud Salve
I know, I know, people claim this is a miracle product. They say it's amazing. But honestly, I think everybody just wants to like Smith's because of the effing cute old-timey tin and the classy Audrey-Hepburnish appeal. Smith's Rosebud Salve is seriously vaseline.

2. Maybelline Great Lash

Another one of those products that just doesn't live up to the hype. I think it's the packaging again. It's cute and kind of 1950's, and the pink and green has that whole Lilly Pulitzer thing going on. When you actually put the mascara on, it's like "What? I thought I was going to be turned into, like, a hot June Cleaver. I look like SUSAN LUCCI." It's just not a fun experience.

3. BADgal Blue
So when visiting a friend in New York, we went to Saks. That day was a massacre impulse-wise. I think that at some point I bought a headscarf, but I can't be sure. I try to purge this dark moment from my mind. Anyway, one of the more gimmicky things I bought was BADgal Blue. I don't know why, I didn't particularly like the original BADgal mascara. But BADgal original looks like the holy grail next to its forehead-slappingly terrible blue counterpart. I still get mad at myself for buying this. In my defense, while it was an idiotic purchase, I was rattled after being accosted by this saleswoman with spider lashes who thrusted the brush in front of my face as if it were a machete. In my fragile emotional state, I couldn't refuse. The mascara still sucked. Yes, it did make my eyes more noticeable, but that's because my friends were like "Why the fuck do you have blue lashes? You look like you're in a John Waters movie" and it freaked them out a little. If I strive for one thing in my life, it is for my makeup to never warrant comparisons to Divine, so BADgal went in the trash.